This past weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about things.
I talked with two very good friends of mine, listened to what they had to say, and thought about it some more.
Then last night I talked over the issues with my husband. My best friend, the man I have been dating for 20+ years, and married to for 14 almost 15 years. And his comments were eye opening.
We went through the concerns I had, suggestions I had from my friends, and his thoughts on it.
And can I say the man knows me better than even I knew?
First, he told me he could tell I have been unhappy, and slipping into almost depression. But he also knows if I didn’t ask him, I would not listen as well to what he had to say. Plus like he said, we wouldn’t know what works and doesn’t unless I try it. Second, he told me how I really am, the person he has known all these years, is not the one I present to everyone else.
I admit, with his thoughts on it, I am an introvert. From an extrovert family. I have very little knowledge of interactions with others beyond a certain part. I have been taught that I need to interact with people, and like any human being, I want friends. The problem? I don’t know what to do with them, besides what I have been told and taught. I got spoiled for a couple of years, the friends we have in Tucson accept me completely, my little hang-ups and my in ability to understand some social norms that everyone else just knows.
I rather stay away from people, and life has taught me they are cruel.
The mistake I made, was that while I have no issue standing up for myself, (and Mr. Kittyinaz said an introvert does NOT mean that I don’t have a spine) I thought an introvert wouldn’t be like me. I will stand up for myself and tell people what I want. Instead it just means I rather be by myself, and not in crowds, I rather deal with people in emails, in writing than on a phone or in social media, not person to person. Which is odd, because when I worked and needed to tell someone something, I rather do it in person. Mr. Kittyinaz laughed, and he told me it was so I could see their reaction. For me to be able to stop talking when I think they are not listening. A learned behavior. But when left to myself, I rather deal with people in a step away from being present. Talking on the phone is a particular torture, I have to respond in real time, and cannot see what their bodies and facial expressions are saying.
I am not afraid of confrontation, to the point, that if I see something that bothers me personally I will step up.
But he explained to me what my problem was. My mom explained it best per Mr. Kittyinaz, when I offered a solution to someone’s problem. I shocked them and my mom laughed and told them I never realized there was a box to think in.
This is pretty profound, and it describes me exactly. Hubby pointed out that because I don’t know what the box is, I don’t react or think like others. I don’t know what is allowed or not, what is acceptable except from learned behavior. And with me not really being around people until I was in 5th grade, when I was tossed from a school that made no big deal about people being different than others and part of a class of 12, then tossed into a private catholic school in another state and knowing nothing, it messed me up even more. I learned certain social norms, but I was an outcast. I was punished for being beat up, and learned that people in responsible positions, positions of authority are not to be believed perfect. And to fight for myself, since no one else would.
My brother is an extrovert to the nth degree. My aunts and cousins are all extroverts, and they don’t understand me. I learned to keep my head down, and say nothing, since my thinking was so far different than theirs, they could not understand it. It was only until later, when I was being applauded for being different and applying those different thoughts to solutions that no one thought of, that it was seen as something different. And absence does make the heart fonder on both ends.
So what does this all mean?
It means that there are changes coming, but for the most part, you guys benefit.
My home life is making me depressed. We looked into maybe medication, beyond the light one I am taking already. But the bad side to the medications, is while it will dull the unhappiness I feel, it will also dull the happy times. No thank you. I often feel like I float through life without major emotions, and I don’t need it to be encouraged.
So my husband told me, when I was happiest, was when I was escaping my reality. In the past, when I worked, I worked obscene hours. To escape being home. I wouldn’t care if I got paid for it, since I got rewarded with not dealing with all the crap around me. I didn’t have the fact I am different being implied that it was bad. I do this almost automatically and he nixed me volunteering and such until we tried things his way. Why? Because I would spend all my free time in doing that, and not as happy as I am usually writing.
When I got sick, was when home and work started blending. To top it off was when I was sick, there was something wrong physically, and I had no idea what to do.
Then I found fanfiction, and started to write. Mr. Kittyinaz told me he wanted to cheer with how happy I was. It was the reason he encouraged me to keep on, and when I tried to do new things, he kept on encouraging me, along with our family and friends in Arizona. And when I came up with the idea of writing a book, he was happier. He thought that this was what I needed. I escaped my reality, and was around people who encouraged me to do this. He told me he thought I was an awesome writer, but he pointed out in the last year, I haven’t had a dinner conversation with him about new ideas. Not one. When before I told him everything in the past few years.
And he noticed things were getting worse. But knowing me, he just waited.
He liked me being around, but was getting more worried with the amount of time I was spending and being around the family, getting depressed. He didn’t know what was going on, but he listened when I ranted and raved about things going wrong.
He waited.
Then last night when I told him what was going on, he told me what he saw wrong in what I was doing. I was leaving my escape behind, because that was the solution I was given. I was working too hard. He shrugged and said to others, it may seem so. And to a point, they are right.
Then he told me what he has observed about me. If I don’t think I did enough, I am hard on myself. I hate being lazy, and while I love reading and just vegging, I am hard on myself when there is stuff for me to be doing. I loose respect in myself. Which starts a cycle that the only way to break it is to do what I want. Work.
He pointed out that this past weekend was one that I was happy about, and I played games on my computer. By myself.
When I told him I was thinking about cutting back the writing contests, he asked me how I feel when I am hosting them. What stressed me out, and what didn’t. And then told me to set down some rules. Like banners are made by me with my characters used. If after the contest, the people wish to have them changed, they can ask. Also to give myself (and 4Padfoot!) extra time to go through the entries, read them and then make the banners. I like to give until the 15th for the voting part, he said to relax and make it not hard on myself and give me 5-7 days to get the entries out. As long as the contest ends at the same time, it is no different to anyone. The same on the opposite day. Let me have the time to add the names of the authors and what place they are. But he told the other side of it, was that I was happy seeing the reviews and helping other out. Me being happy was the main point, I just need to eliminate the parts that made it harder. I can do that.
The other part, was that right now, it really sucks editing. But I was trying something new, and seeing if it would be better to write it all out and then edit. I am able to say no. It sucks. So he came up with a way that was a middle line. Work on the stories as they flow, then go back and edit when I am hitting a spot where I am getting to where I would switch stories. That way when I came back to the story, it was a clean slate. I just write on it. This will head back to the older way of doing stuff, but as he pointed out, I often write a bunch of chapters at once. It may make posting erratic, but he recommended for everyone, to keep to schedule I had come up with. If I skip a week, there was no chapter. It appeals to my inner OCD.
Again, his point was that I need to do things that made me happy.
But he did agree that I worked too hard, and his middle ground was that the weekends are his. Not mine, but his. He will be planning things to do, since he too needs to get out. Instead of always taking grandma shopping on Fridays, to maybe go visit the zoo and other things. We have a fence, and we need to go out with the dogs to watch them from running under the house and free. We also throw the ball and play with them. To keep that up. And even when he has nothing to do, then I can play games.
To keep going to the gym.
To go through my Facebook and eliminate people who are not close to me. I will be posting something as me, for people to reply to for me to keep them. Otherwise I am deleting them. Family I have to keep… but everyone else should be cause they want to be friends with me. To know me. If you want stuff about FanFiction, like my Kittyinaz Page or join my group.
To stop trying so hard with people I think are friends to be other than myself. To explain to them how I am truly, and leave it to them to decide if they want to remain friends. To stop giving into others, trying to make them happy so they will remain friends to me. He pointed out that it adds to the stress. If people want me to be less stressed, then they need to accept me as I am.
To say the conversation with him last night was an eye opening experience is to compare Eric to Bill. No comparison.
He hit the nail so many times it was kinda scary, but it made me feel better. The one person who I am married to actually really gets me. He told the real reasons he wants me to write, is because it makes me happy. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. I get to sit here do what I love with my dog at my feet. I get to make pretty things, and had an eye opening experience with a photographer I met this weekend and when they looked over my site and what I do with Photoshop. I thought I was still a baby and didn’t do anything that awesome. Their response had me reeling. A complete stranger telling me that she has been in classes for years, and not able to even know half of what I do is possible. Take a clear day picture and add weather? What a concept.. (not to me, but according to her, she never thought about it that way…)
My husband had a lot to say on that. I am hard on myself. I have had to live up to impossible expectations, on things that were complete opposites of what I am for so long, that I accept that I will fail. I was told that accepting praise for something that I find easy is very wrong. I should always work for praise.
Yeah, he had ALOT to say about that one. But he did tell me that if nothing else, this time with me around my family, taught him a lot of why I am the way I am. Why it took me years to open up to him and his family. And then seeing the growth from me being accepted for being myself. How everyone comments in both good and bad ways how I am different, I stand up for myself a lot now. And he reminded me that I need to regain that assurance.
It sounds so contradictory to myself, but as he pointed out specific events, I realized that was what I have been doing. Backing down to keep people I like around, scared of putting myself forward. Which is opposite of what I am. But I took some hard knocks recently, and started second guessing myself again. And as they kept coming, he pointed out the more time I stepped away from my escape, the worse I felt and got.
I guess it was revenge for all those times I said I was right, and really was. He had to get one huge shot in. But he told me he would be good for awhile, as long as I listened.
*snicker*
So, I wanted to write this, to let you guys know what is going on.
I am going to be writing but I am still planning to finish the database stopping everything to work on it on the 15th. Then I will finish up any editing, and then work on my novel. Now that I know the real reason, I am going to prove him right in believing in me, and doing what he can to deal with me. I love the man. But sometimes I think he needs to talk more and less teasing. It was something he promises to work on, as long as I remind him as he will be reminding me to keep up on this stuff.
I will be missing Fridays – Sundays. Sometimes Monday, depending on what happened on the weekends if I need time to rest from spending time in crowds.
I will try to apply the same rules I do to betas to myself, but to respect myself as well. This is my escape, and I need it to function without being depressed. Take control of my life, and see who wants to be a part of it now.
And mostly, try to make less drama.
He also pointed out that my two friends were very right when they said I need to learn to say no. Not only on here, but also in my private life. He understands the issues there, and will be helping me. Agreeing to just keep people liking me is very stressful on it’s own.
I will be hosting the You Want Blood awards after my novel is done, for Crossovers. If anyone wants to help, let me know. I am planning on no one helping, and know that the first time is a doozy. The crossovers have to have a Vampire fic as one of the crossovers officially. And while I know Twilight very well, as well as the TB/SVM ones, I am not familiar with the TVD, Vampire academy and so on as well. While they don’t have to be about the vampires themselves, unless the category said it did, I figure we should honor the whole You Want Blood name.
Mr. Kittyinaz approves this as he said I was extremely excited with this idea. There are not enough awards for crossovers. Not them by themselves. There is the Non-Canon Awards, and I think mine. Other than that, they often get grouped in with the other contests.
So the lesson I learned? Listen to the hubs, and stop thinking I am normal. Everyone is unique, I understand that for everyone else, I just need to apply that to myself. Just be patient while I unlearn some bad habits.
Sounds so easy to tell to others, but to actually do it? Not so easy. Forgive me when I mess up.
You take care of yourself! I know for you your writing is linked to your happiness which is linked to your health, but your health really is the most important thing. You are a fab writer and it sounds like Mr Kittyinaz is the most fab husband, so please listen to him and do what feels best for you
Your husband sounds like a very smart man and a wonderful support for life and also for writing.
I myself suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and have done since i was 14 (i’m 26 this year) and for many of those years i was housebound. I became depressed and in massive amounts of pain due to physical symptoms of my illness. Up until this time last year, i could barely walk and found solace in fanfiction- which initially started with Sookie Stackhouse as i’d been bought the first three books by my sister to cheer me up one weekend- which lead me to fanfic and other websites and eventually to you. Your writing has become an escape to me, away from the hardship of life living with an illness.
I’m now in a state where the bad days aren’t every day now- i am able to be active although still dependent on my family, but i still have days where i don’t want to get out of bed i just want to lie in bed, keep the curtains shut, lock myself away and read to escape what’s going on. Sadly my illness effects me physically and mentally and sometimes there is no escape- but thankfully those days are not as regular or as severe as they once were.
I’m sure i am not alone in saying that you are a source of genuine pleasure and escape- and i’m sure we all would want you to be happy more than anything else. If you need to adapt your schedules, your writing, your life to make you happier, then do it for you because you deserve to be happy and be healthier too- relax your strict schedules, give yourself time and space to breathe- you don’t owe anybody anything and you should write because you find pleasure in it, not because you’re indebted to write.
I truly wish you the very best with everything, please don’t think badly of yourself because we all think you’re amazing- although i do think women in general tend to talk themselves and their skills down as a confidence issue, i know i certainly do.
Again, your husband sounds like he gives very good advice and seems to know you better than you know yourself- i’d listen to him and see what other insights he can give you that you miss- i think everyone needs someone to tell them the truth, even if it’s hard to hear.
Best Wishes
So very true. I told my husband about your comment and he agreed. on all points. Thanks!!!
You’ve certainly helped me escape my real life when i was depressed – i hope that you do what’s right for yourself first and foremost. *hug*
Good luck. do what makes your self and heart happy I hope things get better for you as times goes. yours truly Patricia parker.
P.S TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOURS.
You do you, girl! Sounds like you have a good man, and some good friends that are there for you! I hope this “new” setup helps you get back to your happy land. =) I will patiently await any update you desire to give us. Rock on, Meg
Thanks
This really gripped me. I am happy that you have a husband who completely understands and accepts who you are; who also tries to help keep you happy. I am also an introvert with an extrovert husband. Mine does not understand or care about my writings. He even teases me about it and even whines when I read “too much”. How do you read too much? Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here for you also.
Oh! Just throwing this out there, but I absolutely love editing. Weird, right? But if you or your betas ever need/want help, please let me know! I will help with whatever I can!
If you wish to be a part of the team, we are always looking for more people. I have some stories all edited and ready for a beta, but no one to take. All you have to do is contact me on Facebook.
Just tell me what to do to be a beta, and I’ll be more than willing to help 🙂 I’ll message you in the morning. Its late where I am 🙂
I look forward to it!!
You go girl. I was an extrovert early in life and as I’ve gotten older my bullshit meter has gotten much shorter, I also have come to the conclusion that a filter (to a point) is worthless, if ya don’t like what I have to say don’t talk to me. I know who my “real” friends are and they don’t care what I say, do or look like. So Kittyinaz, if you need a break, no worries your true fans and friends will not only be there when you are ready, but will understand and support you. Take care of you. Unfortunately, it will now get stuck in my head but don’t worry, be happy. There are so many things we can’t change so there’s no need to stress over them. Love ya ta bits for making me laugh, cry, be upset and to need a cold shower.
Your next to last paragraph says it all. Good luck with taking your own advice, it is much harder.
This feels too public for me, but this may be the best way to reach you. I am a lifelong introvert. It is a challenge because we live in a culture (the U.S.) that rewards extroverts. That doesn’t mean that I sit in a corner or that I have no friends. (Quite the contrary – I have a very successful career and a very rich life.) It is not a disability or a non-social personality trait. It is just that I process things differently than my extroverted colleagues. There are two things that I came across that helped me. It is possible that they may resonate so I offer them.
There is a book on the market: Quiet – living in a world of extroverts (my words are a little off). It speaks to nurture/nature in a very straightforward way. The other thing was Meyers-Briggs. I am an ISTP. (which galls me because I hate labels by definition – which is a feature of this personality type). I resisted approaching this on principal but when I finally participated in the testing and read the results I felt a tremendous sense of relief. There were all the things that folks told me were ‘wrong’ with me/that I thought were ‘wrong’ with myself. What it showed me is that there was nothing wrong – it was me and that there were others (granted not many) out there like me.
I don’t know if this kind of quest would help you. I can only speak for myself. But one or both of these tools may lead you to other tools that help you find peace with yourself. You have tremendous energy and a giving heart. That is rare.
Thanks. Truly! I learned a lot from this revelation. I had always thought I may have been an introvert, but my idea of it was not the same. but I thank you for your support.
your not alone. i’ve had to deal with some of the same stuff being an introvert myself. just do what you have to do to be happy & we’ll be happy for you 😀
I can relate to much of your post. I have fibromyalgia which has made me more introverted than ever. I too find it easier too communicate by email or messaging but when I do socialise I watch people to gauge their reactions. I am very aware of social norms because I spent much of my life wondering why I felt like I didn’t fit. I watched my son grow and have more difficulties as he got older. He is on the low end of the autism scale but what is termed ‘high functionging’. Because of this we were told to avoid a full diagnosis that could cause issues for his future. He was 13 and wanted to blend in more so we did what we was advised and he attended a few sessions about social interaction. A big thing for someone so opposed to talking about things. What we found out is that we both a lot of Asperger traits. We are both able to analyse things without emotion and see things that seem obvious to us but not to others. Show us a mistreated pet and we are distraught. On the whole I’m sure I prefer animals to humans.
I am glad your writing helps so much, it certainly helps others. Discovering Eric and Sookie ff has got me through the last few years. Not only has it given me an obsession to attach to but I see so much undiscovered talent. As an avid reader I had been needing new writers to interest me, I can’t think of anyone published in recent years as talented as many of the writers in this area of ff. I’ve read stories that have made me sob as well as stories that have me doubled up in hysteria – and comedy is very difficult to write. I wrote poetry and short stories as a teenager and part of me would love to do it again. Unfortunately I have lost confidence in myself in recent years and once I think I can’t do something I don’t try. My son, however, does write his own ff and is considering having a go at screen writing. I will encourage him all the way and never let him listen to people telling him to get his head out of the clouds. I listened to that too much. My parents missed the memo that said you shouldn’t belittle your kids.
Follow your heart and dreams and write that book. Remember that ff is a gift you have given freely and to hell with those demanding timescales from you, they need a finished product they can go buy one. It will be their loss, not yours. I’m well behind on all stories because my ‘fibro fog’ has been a nightmare since the cold hit and it lasts far too long in England! I had to keep rereading everything so I’ve had to stop reading current chapters for a while. Hence my reviews are all over the place. Some days a response forms in my head easily but most I can’t articulate the words. This is an in between day, but when I read your post and saw the way you’ve laid yourself bare, I had to respond. It may have frazzled the last of my brain cells though!
Take care and listen to your hubby. Like mine, he sounds like a great support system. Like me, you have to be willing to hear what needs saying but he sounds like he understands you well.
Tbh, when I was reading this, it reminded me of me. My mom used the word introvert to describe me to my bosses when. I had an issue with transportation. I totally agree with your husband, do things that make you, only you happy and not anybody else. Stay around people that understand you and compliment; encourage what you do best. Writing is definitely your forte so keep it up because I want more! LOL love what your doing with deleting people who don’t understand what you do or who you are. My family are extroverts as well, always going out while I would rather stay in and read or write. Trying to please them drives me crazy, but until I move out, it’s all I have. Love you lots and would so love to stay your friend!
wow. hope you beat the depression’s ass. i too am an introvert since what you described was exactly how i feel. (hate being in crowds and not that great with other people outside a few) haven’t reached the depression yet or at least i don’t think i have and ( no offence) i hope i never do.but, who knows maybe i’m like you and haven’t noticed yet. i had a friend suggest the same thing about deleting friends and so far i can only think of one. not you and i hope you don’t delete me cause though i don’t say much in messages (gs– my profile pic is a white wolf at the moment- in case you’re wondering who this is on fb) i do enjoy hearing what your up to in posts like this as well as your fics obviously. hope to hear more from you soon. take care
Dear Miss Kitty,
Yes, I am an introvert….and yes, I think a lot of introverts go through that…I know I do from time to time…i just keep writing because that is what I am…a writer, it does not matter to me if I fit anyone else’s profile of that or not. It took me years to to able to say that out loud to people when they asked me what I did…I always fell back on what I was getting paid to do at the time. Well, f**k that sh**! I now tell them I am a writer and that I write supernatural erotica…I love to see the looks on their faces…
…fortunately, I am not a perfectionist….and editing sucks the big one…so misspelled words slip through along with some grammar…oh well…
Be good to yourself…!
I am always cheering you on!
Carroll
It’s more than nice to see you have such wonderful understanding from your significant other. Keep well.
Wendy you need to do what you want to make yourself happy. Listen to that other half of yours says he is a very smart man and will always have your back and put you interests first. Don’t be afraid to say no. If people don’t like it then you don’t need them. I spent a lot of my life trying to be what someone else wanted me to be.I have so many regrets that I still pay for to this day. I am now in the process of raising my grandkids because my daughter walked off and left them 6 years ago. They are now 8 and nine and neither even remember their mother. Their father can’t stay out of jail. I still try to blame myself for my daughter not taking responsibility for her children but I have come to realize I can not shoulder anyone else’s feelings or opinions on what I should do or say. I said the hell with everyone else and only worry about my babies and hope they come to be good people. So let go of that feeling that you have to be there for everyone when you only need to be there for yourself and your hubby. After all who is going to there in the end? Take care of yourself first and everyone who loves you will be happier too.
Mr. Kittyinaz sounds like a wonderful husband and a very smart man. You are so lucky to have a life partner who really gets you. My own marriage of 14 years has fallen apart over the past year and I too came to some very eye opening realizations about myself, mainly that I’m also an introvert. But I’m sort of an anomaly in that I’m an extremely social introvert. It sounds like an oxymoron, but it means that although i love to be around people a lot of the time, I need a considerable amount of alone time (preferably daily, but definitely every few days) to rest and recharge mentally and emotionally. It’s something my husband never understood and very much resented. I refuse to apologize for it, though, and you shouldn’t apologize for the way you are either. Do what makes you happy and surround yourself with things and people that truly support you. We all deserve that happiness and I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
Good luck with your new plan and stick to it as long as it’s keeping you happy and healthy.