At least today does for me.
I went to the Dr’s. She was touching base on some of my medicines, and M wanted me to talk to her about something that I have noticed that has been going on. And I am now technically labeled depressed.
I don’t feel sad.
I don’t feel happy either.
I feel like nothing. I might laugh or cry, but there is nothing really behind it.
I am numb.
And to make it so much better, my body is still feeling everything. Which makes it worse, since I am dealing with the side effects of tense muscles, and all the fun that goes with it.
What do you mean, Wendy?
My body is stressed, it gets sick. I can feel the tension in my upper arms and back that I am tense, but I feel emotionally nothing. I don’t feel stressed. I can’t tell what it is making it so, I can only feel the effects of it on my body. And it makes me sick. I can’t do anything about it, since there is nothing I feel to fix it.
The only time I feel something is when I am writing, since I think in pictures, and am immersed in the movie I am telling you guys. But I can’t spend my life in my head.
I can easily see why people may give up, there is nothing there to inspire me, nothing to make me want to go on if all I feel is nothing.
I am NOT saying this is happening now, and I don’t give up. I have a great support system around me, I also have a huge sense of obligation, and that alone will help me. I feel like I need to finish the stories, including the ones floating around in my head.
However, I can soooo understand those that want to give up. They either feel too much or feel nothing. Both would make you want to give up, because why keep fighting when there is no joy in it?
To have you feel disconnected to everything around you is awful. Knowing you should feel something, that your body is feeling it, but you have nothing, it is scary. Almost as scary as the one time I relaxed my mind and found out it is a scary place to be. To try to explain, my mind feels like it is racing with thoughts all the time, but where I function, is a bubble of calmness. That bubble being gone was scary since all those thoughts had at once…
I didn’t think I was depressed. I mean, you have been told that means you are sad right? That everything feels hopeless and no reason to go on, and you can’t get out of the hole, since you are stuck.
Nope.
Seems you can just feel nothing at all. And it can get worse, to where you don’t want to get out of bed, you don’t want to do anything.
And I am actually further along that path than I ever imagined. I struggle to get out of bed, sometimes, it is the obligations of making banners, running contests and so on that get me out. To write the stories. I don’t have an appetite. I eat because it is often expected. But if no one notices, I may only eat once a day.
I want to let you guys know what is happening, in case there is someone out there like me that doesn’t know. And to let those that are out there, that there is another person that you can talk to. That there is someone who understands when you tell people you can’t feel anything.
And it is scary.
To feel nothing. To have where you laugh, but you don’t truly feel happy. M\yY kitten does some really funny things around me lately. She attacks her shadow on the floor. Connor has been very loving. But for them both, instead of feeling that happiness really, deeply, it is is surface only, and fleeting. It is forgotten as soon as it comes. I liken it to oil on water. It’s there and then gone.
I haven’t even been angry. Which, unfortunately, has been a setting that often made me feel very deeply, but nope.
Though on the positive side, I am calm. LOL!
So it is not that I am not emotionless, nor is it I feel sad. It is that there is nothing to look forward to tomorrow. There is nothing pushing me to get up and go write. To get up and eat. To get up. knowing that all that will happen is that I exist and nothing else.
What is my Dr recommending right now? I have lots of my anti-depressant that we have used since my body has always been much more sensitive to outside things, like stress. It was to help with the insomnia, and with my body being so sick. So I am to take for the next month double the dosage.
I am to keep exercising, and if I have to stop with the weights because I am not looking forward to it, do drop them. But go my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The exercise will help me out, which I did know, and it was why I started back on doing it. I get a huge boost of endorphins, so I figured it would help.
However, I have no appetite. And because of this, I have to be careful, making sure I do eat. IF I forget, I have to do a replacement shake, Boost, to make sure I have the vitamins, protein and calories. I am to make sure there is food around me, that I see. To remind me to eat. It is so bad, that I am to eat empty calories if nothing else.
I gained weight. It can happen when you are not really eating. I eat a meal and maybe a snack a day. Just enough to keep me going I guess. So my body hoards everything. And it makes you gain weight. Who knew that barely eating, would make you heavier?
My Doctor of course.
Seems that what she had warned me of happening, has come to be. My body is in starvation mode and it makes it where I gain weight. I need to eat, to get it out of the mode, and where the exercise and so on will help. I have to set alarms, and so on. I need to leave food around me, so I will snack on it here and there. If I skip meals that day, like I only ate once, I have to do a boost or ensure.
So I bought grapes, I have different lunches, and I bought the stuff to make stew as well as a roast. I bought snacky food since she approved that. And in a way, it is already helping. I have white cheddar popcorn in front of me, and I find myself grabbing a kernel at a time to snack on. I have snacked on the grapes as I walk through the house, too lazy to unvine them and put them in a container. And I have drunk my chocolate milk.
I worry about money, so I don’t like buying snacky things unless a treat. Now, I have them to eat and being ordered too. Of course as she mentioned, I am going to the gym, and it will all balance out in the long run, so it is why she is approving the empty calories as well.
Like I mentioned, I just wanted to say something about it in case there are others out there that feel the same way. I will talk more on the Kittyinaz Blabbery, if you want to follow what is going on.
In other news, I am binge watching Once Upon a Time, so while I wanted to get started on Sacred, I am still on Best instead, watching it, as well as thinking on things. Just remember, that I had named it a universe, along with my Alice and Tin Man stories. It will make it interesting for those that follow those since I am going to have to drop those story lines to make it work for Once Upon a time. Just remember, I started the story before Season 3. So it is not going to line up with that. I will be making some changes and so on.
But in the long run, it will all make sense.
I am off to finish dinner, to binge watch, as I try to get a handle on everything that was told to me.
Kittyinaz
I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through lately. It is a journey to go through it, a journey I am taking a bit myself, though with me it is more about the anxiety side of things but feeling ‘down,’ or more like not feeling anything at all, is a big part of it. I wish you all the best as you start to navigate through everything.
If there is anything I can possibly do, don’t hesitate to ask.
I hope you get better and if you want to talk you can always talk to me, my grandma went through the same thing and I did to for a few years.
I am so sorry that this has hit you, too. You described depression perfectly (though I eat instead of not eat). Hopefully it will help someone else who feels nothing and doesn’t realize what it means.
Depression must be in the air or something. The b/f was diagnosed, after a near miss of head explosion, about 6 weeks ago. Meds, therapy and Yoga for him. There has already been a HUGE change in him. A couple of weeks ago I actually told him ‘Welcome back’ because it’s so good to see him back to what he was like ten years ago.
My own depression is starting. A combination of SAD, lack of family and loss of family which will be at its worst around Christmas then get better with me fully coming out of it in late April. In other words, birthdays, holidays and deaths of the people most important to me *sigh*. To top it all off my brother only calls when he wants something (usually money) and I don’t bother calling him because I get his wife whom I can’t stand, or no answer at all. *shrug* The icing? I’m empathic so his mood affects mine. Grrrrr
You do what you gotta do in order to get through the rough time and out into the sunshine on the other side.
Much love and hugs. If you need a shoulder, an ear or whatever I’m always around. It may take time for messenger to get to me since phones on the floor at work is a HUGE no-no but I do get back to people.
I felt like this a while back and it was caused by a low thyroid hormones. Apparently my body did not like the salt free diet, I started because of my husbands high blood pressure. Which caused me to not have enough Iodine in my diet. It took about 7 years of salt free eating to cause it and it slowly got worse and worse from there. Once I started taking $4 iodine pills (Kelp) and eating salt, I started to feel better. Low thyroid hormones can cause depression. You should ask you doctor to test you for it. I read online that the test T3 and T4 numbers should be between 150 to 225 for a healthy American woman to feel normal or a bit lower for a European woman, because there local food is different. Although Doctors don’t consider thyroid hormones a problem that needs medicine until you get below 0.60. You can google it for more info and ask you doc to test your thyroid. I think they have a check list test to see if you have a problem with your thyroid.
She is doing a blood work up to eliminate that route as well
I’m sorry to hear about what’s been going on with you. My sister suffers from clinical depression, so I understand a LOT of what you’re going thru with feeling numb and feeling disinterested in everything but one or two hobbies. I hope you don’t suffer from dark days like she does.
Good news is that she is MUCH more improved since she was first diagnosed thanks to meds and therapy. So, my point is things can get better for you to!
When you say you’re going to drop your Tin Man storyline, did you mean put it on hiatus till you finish your OUAT kick, or scrap it altogether?
I meant the whole OZ arc in OUaT as well as the Wonderland backstory for OUaT will be changed to fit with my stories from Alice and Tin Man stories since they are meant to be in the same universe.
Depression, yes. No joy, but one goes on.
Good luck! I hope it gets better with the meds – tthe ones I took worked for me. *hugs*