Depression.
Specifically my personal Hell aka Depression.
First, there is this general idea that if you have depression, you are depressed.
Not true.
For me, it means slowly going numb, I might feel something once in a great while, but it is fleeting and gone before I can realize that something cut through the numbness.
It also means I have to talk to myself each and every time I wake up on why I should get up. And then try not to feel guilty when I cannot manage to get out of bed. Or when I actually managed to get out of bed, why I didn’t get dressed, why didn’t I take a shower, why didn’t I do anything? Even though getting out of bed was a major achievement, I am reminded by myself how pathetic it is that I think that is huge.
It makes me wonder why I keep trying, then shrug and keep on trying. Since to me the alternative is worse.
I try to talk to my hubby.
I try to get back on track and do the things that were so easy just yesterday, this past week, last week, and so on.
I feel ashamed that I could not clean house because it felt too big a chore and start hating everyone and everything that didn’t clean up after themselves. I get mad and feel like it is useless to clean up when everyone won’t care to keep it up so why should I?
But it is an excuse to not clean. Because again, it is too hard to acknowledge that I failed to do anything.
I feel guilty for not doing things that are so easy for others. I feel guilty if I feel happy for a fleeting moment in time. I am depressed, I shouldn’t be happy.
I am bored to death, can’t find myself interested in even reading, or start on a new hobby that I asked to learn. I play crystals on a game only because for some reason it is the only thing that allows me to exist and not feel so lost.
I am not saying all this for sympathy points, but to have the chance to tell someone out there, that I DO know what you are going through.
One of the things that have helped me is a page on Facebook called the Mighty. Reading that, I find out more about people like me, who suffer through the same things.
Found out about the fog, but that other people might call it other things. I never thought of it as a fog, since to me fog meant I was not clear minded. I could think very clearly, but my feelings? The urge to get up and type out the stories playing out in my head was overridden by the inability to get out of bed. And for me, that is unusual.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a week. But RL keeps butting in and those few days that I feel able to work, are instead used to take people elsewhere, to spend time with hubby, who is trying, but not succeeding in cheering me up. I have actually taken days to write this post, in fact.
I forget to eat unless he makes me food. Unfortunately, this feeds into the existing condition where my body thinks I am starving it. I don’t eat enough but I never lose weight. Which of course doesn’t help with the depression.
Then there is my insomnia.
My personal demon and what led to everything going worse. It comes to haunt me all the time. Its been worse lately, leading to more and more of the thoughts that aren’t helping. The ones that make it harder to deal with everything.
But, through all of this, I will say this. My pets. They DO help.
They are freaking wonderful. When people talk about the things that make them conitnue, it is them.
Just this morning, they were the reason I got up. And I had all of them lying at my door looking up at me. Since then I’m not alone. At least one pet checks up on me, including my moms cat.
And then there are the wonderful ladies that help me. The betas and especially Royal Ember. They tell me they are there. That if I need to talk or just vent to they are there.
I just wanted to let you guys know, I’m alive. I’m fighting. And I’m grateful for you guys. Thanks for being patient as I work myself out of this funk. I know I need to announce the winners, and I will try to get there soon, as well as writing and posting.
please be patient, I’m getting there.
And please, if you need to talk, feel free to reach out. I will gladly listen to you.
For I know what it is like to think that I am a burden on others or that this is all a waste of time. Very intimately.
It happens, and you are not weird, wrong to think or anything else. You just need to realize that it is your depression talking and not really you.
i hope this helps someone, as it has helped me these last few days as I fought my way to being out of bed. To eat. To shower. To do anything at all.
You are worth it.
💝
For now, I’m going to sigh and give you a big hug, I know you r hugging me back. The guilt part is heartbreaking, yes. Plus, physical pain – real pain- often goes hand in hand with depression/feeling depressed. I don’t have pets; I have kids. I could go on and on, but it’s late and the fog in my head makes it hard to concentrate, so… 🍓🍓🍓🍊🍊🍊🍊🍌🍌🍌they say healthy food helps, plus dark chocolate 🍫.❤️❤️
Dear Kittyinaz, I have been reading a lot of the stories that you either write or host on your site or Fanfiction.net. I always admire that you have the dedication and perseverance to continue writing despite your depression. I salute you, as I myself have never finished any of the stories I have ever written or posted.
Keep on going as you are. YOU ARE THE BEST! YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Salutations and love,
Rachelle
Anyone who has suffered from depression, or had a loved one who did can relate to what you go through. Know that you have a lot of people thinking about you and wishing you well.
I have also been there, it’s a long fight but it can be fought and won. Sending hugs.
Stop apologizing!! I have been where you are, so I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. I’ve been taking medications for at least 15 years and they certainly help,but not all the time. Thank God my dad and my kids are great when I’m in bed and uncommunicative. And you’re so right about the animals!! All we can do is take it one day at a time. When you’re ready to write, we’ll be ready to read. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Know that we understand and support you, and you are most definitely not alone!
I get it, or I partly do. For me, my depression is more of a mental state. I don’t leave the house unless I have to, eat maybe one, sometimes two, proper meal(s) a day (Probably less if it weren’t for my parents). I rarely leave my bed, my sleeping is totally off the wack, and my parents are no help at all. They think I’m wasting my life, which I am, and don’t get why I can’t seem to do anything, and tell me as such, try to get me to go to things I know I won’t enjoy or feel comfortable with (Because there are people there and people make me uncomfortable, I know, shocker!)… which feeds into the seriously annoying thoughts.
I may not fully get how your feeling, or how it is for you, but I do get the annoyance and self-hate that depression can bring onto you when you can’t seem to do anything, especially when everyone else can. It’s like with my writing, I look at how fast and how long and how good everyone else writes, and I so desperately want to be like that. To finish some of my stories, or write new chapters/stories up. I know what will happen in most, where the story will go, but when it comes down to writing, I just don’t. All I seem to be able to do is read fanfiction and watch tv (Which isn’t actually to bad if ya think ’bout it).
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I get it, and heres a little tip for ya; when the demons come telling ya ya not worth it (or whatever they say) just do what I do; say ‘go away’ (You know, like they did in AHS: Murder House, it’s actually pretty effective, blanks my mind for a moment and I let it get filled with other things).
Really hope I didn’t sound like I was going ‘me me oh ME!’ (which I probably did; sorry),
Brookie
just wanted to send you good vibes after reading this. What you shared is incredibly relatable and I think if someone has never suffered from depression, it can be impossible to truly understand. We need more people to openly talk about this and sharing their experience to let others know that they are not alone. take care!
Let me tell you first that I know where you are coming from. I don’t have depression but I care for up to 12 people on a daily bases that have depression or schizophrenia. They live with me and I’m around they 24/7. I see their ups and downs. I have been doing this for 30+ years. It hard to explain to anyone what they go through every day. So the only thing I can say is you are doing great living at home and having someone love you that much to take care of you and make sure your daily needs are being meet. My hat is off to the both of you. Keep up the good work.
I also struggle with depression, remember that this is not a personal failing, your brain is miswired, it’s not any different than folks with diabetes or other chronic disease. There are things to mitigate symptoms, but unless we can get a brain transplant (joking) this is something we have to fight for the rest of our lives. I eat a mostly paleo diet which seems to help with keeping inflammation levels lower, but it sucks as so many tasty foods just make me worse, so there is the resentment of that too. I also use turmeric and fish oil to help with inflammation, depression can be worsened by that because the brain also gets inflamed. We are just recently getting to the point where science has acknowledged the physical component to depression so I’m hopeful for more targeted effective treatments other than blindly throwing drugs at it hoping they help. Community is important too, yes we are experiencing really crappy brain behavior, and all we can do is keep trying to fight it. Sometimes we have to accept that it’s gonna be a day we get nothing done, let that be okay and try again tomorrow… Be kind to yourself on bad days and remember they do pass. You have an actual physical chronic disease, that willpower story is bullshit and really not helpful. Find a good support group and keep on as best you can.
Much love to you from another whose brain wants to kill me half the time… ❤
PM me if you have the spoons.
Lisa
I have been a fan for a long time. We have talked a little bit about your stories and such. I am so happy you posted this. Sometimes it’s hard to think that anyone else is going through the same thing that I am. As I was reading your post I though gees that’s me too. I see shows or commercials with people are passionate about their job or something. I keep thinking what am I passionate about. I also spend most of my time reading ffn on different sites or watch stuff either on Netflix or Hulu. The tv shows I used to love I just don’t care anymore about.
I have days where everything irritates me. I will check out the page on fb. I would love to talk to you more privately when you have the inclination to do so. I don’t want this to be all me me me.
Know you are loved and give great joy by things you do. I love you Wendy and am sending you hugs and hopeful thoughts. I hope you have an encouraging day.
I haven’t battled depression, but several members in my family have, as well as my husband. I am so proud of you for trying, and also for being so brutally honest and not trying to hide things. We may never understand depression, but we could make a lot more improvements if people were not made to feel less than just because they suffer with something that we can not see with our eyes. Thank you so much for all that you do, and for speaking out. You are awesome, even if you don’t always feel like it 🙂
I have been there throughout my last life. Starting in HS and through adulthood I have struggled with depression. Know it is not your fault. Your not a bad person. It’s a medical condition. There are several meds that have helped me feel ‘okay’ ‘normal’. I am happy to help you can email. Thinking of you.
I’m glad you shared your experiences. I’m sure you have helped others who suffer from depression know that they are not alone. Chronic illnesses–physical, mental, emotional–are all horrible things. I wish there was some magic that could be used to cure all who suffer from them. You should be proud of everything you do–especially when you don’t feel like doing anything. You’ll be in my thoughts.
I just saw this today and I have to say thank you. Things here are really bad right now. I suffer from depression but my son is bipolar and he has moved back home. Not only is he bipolar, he is an alcoholic. He is on so many pills and has a monthly shot for his cravings. I am here with him trying to get him to help himself and it’s making my mental health problems worse. I also can’t work around the house because I am bone on bone in both knees. I do what I can but it’s not enough and that is making me feel bad. You are very correct about our pets, they do help. I will pray for you, you are a gem that we all need to hear from!
Take heart, dear one. I have lived much the same, throughout my 40+ years. You have my respect and admiration for not letting it keep you down, and being open to your loved ones (including our beloved furry ones) ease your heart and soul. I am happy to hear that you have the support of family and friends. That definitely helps. When we get into these deep blue funks, it is often difficult to seen beyond our pain and sorrow. It is our loved ones that help us continue on, though it takes time to move beyond our lowest moments. I hope that you are able to heal and find inspiration and hope once again. I have been working on a book for 20+ years on and off, when the “deep blue” fog dissipates and allows me to move forward. Gifted writers such as yourself often help by sharing their own imaginations and experiences. Feeling things so deeply, both positive and negative, it is sadly not difficult to find ourselves in these situations. I hope that you can feel the genuine caring and empathy of those that respect and admire you, friends and strangers alike, and that it helps raise your spirits and guide you through these times.
Health and happiness,
Mythiccat