Let’s Talk About…

by Kittyinaz | Jul 27, 2017 | Uncategorized

Depression.

Specifically my personal Hell aka Depression.

First, there is this general idea that if you have depression, you are depressed.

Not true.

For me, it means slowly going numb,  I might feel something once in a great while, but it is fleeting and gone before I can realize that something cut through the numbness.

It also means I have to talk to myself each and every time I wake up on why I should get up.  And then try not to feel guilty when I cannot manage to get out of bed.  Or when I actually managed to get out of bed, why I didn’t get dressed, why didn’t I take a shower, why didn’t I do anything?  Even though getting out of bed was a major achievement, I am reminded by myself how pathetic it is that I think that is huge.

It makes me wonder why I keep trying, then shrug and keep on trying.  Since to me the alternative is worse.

I try to talk to my hubby.

I try to get back on track and do the things that were so easy just yesterday, this past week, last week, and so on.

I feel ashamed that I could not clean house because it felt too big a chore and start hating everyone and everything that didn’t clean up after themselves.  I get mad and feel like it is useless to clean up when everyone won’t care to keep it up so why should I?

But it is an excuse to not clean.  Because again, it is too hard to acknowledge that I failed to do anything.

I feel guilty for not doing things that are so easy for others.  I feel guilty if I feel happy for a fleeting moment in time.  I am depressed, I shouldn’t be happy.

I am bored to death, can’t find myself interested in even reading, or start on a new hobby that I asked to learn.  I play crystals on a game only because for some reason it is the only thing that allows me to exist and not feel so lost.

I am not saying all this for sympathy points, but to have the chance to tell someone out there, that I DO know what you are going through.

One of the things that have helped me is a page on Facebook called the Mighty.  Reading that, I find out more about people like me, who suffer through the same things.

Found out about the fog, but that other people might call it other things.  I never thought of it as a fog, since to me fog meant I was not clear minded.  I could think very clearly, but my feelings?  The urge to get up and type out the stories playing out in my head was overridden by the inability to get out of bed.  And for me, that is unusual.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a week. But RL keeps butting in and those few days that I feel able to work, are instead used to take people elsewhere, to spend time with hubby, who is trying, but not succeeding in cheering me up.  I have actually taken days to write this post, in fact.

I forget to eat unless he makes me food.  Unfortunately, this feeds into the existing condition where my body thinks I am starving it.  I don’t eat enough but I never lose weight.  Which of course doesn’t help with the depression.

Then there is my insomnia.

My personal demon and what led to everything going worse.  It comes to haunt me all the time.  Its been worse lately, leading to more and more of the thoughts that aren’t helping.  The ones that make it harder to deal with everything.

But, through all of this, I will say this.  My pets.  They DO help.

They are freaking wonderful.  When people talk about the things that make them conitnue, it is them.

Just this morning, they were the reason I got up.  And I had all of them lying at my door looking up at me.   Since then I’m not alone.  At least one pet checks up on me, including my moms cat.

And then there are the wonderful ladies that help me.  The betas and especially Royal Ember.  They tell me they are there.  That if I need to talk or just vent to they are there.

I just wanted to let you guys know, I’m alive.  I’m fighting.   And I’m grateful for you guys.  Thanks for being patient as I work myself out of this funk.  I know I need to announce the winners, and I will try to get there soon, as well as writing and posting.

please be patient, I’m getting there.

And please, if you need to talk, feel free to reach out. I will gladly listen to you.

For I know what it is like to think that I am a burden on others or that this is all a waste of time.  Very intimately.

It happens, and you are not weird, wrong to think or anything else.  You just need to realize that it is your depression talking and not really you.

i hope this helps someone, as it has helped me these last few days as I fought my way to being out of bed.  To eat.  To shower.  To do anything at all.

You are worth it.