As most of you know, I have diagnosed with depression.
Last week was one of the hardest weeks I have had with it.
I spent Monday hardly able to get out of bed. I felt no reason to, though I had plenty. I couldn’t help but think of how bad my life sucks, how everything is falling down and the awful things. No matter how much I argued with myself, I couldn’t get rid of the feeling of nothing really mattering. I can easily see why people think that suicide is the only solution left.
For I did think of it and dismissed it. It came back quite a few times over the week, but each time, I dismissed it and did as my hubby said. Tell him when I was negative. He encouraged me to make plans on Friday for a date night to go see Doctor Strange. He consoled me when I would tell him I was a failure, that I can’t even manage to stay well for very long and I was nothing but a burden to him. I refuted myself when I said mean things to myself, how I couldn’t seem to finish my novel and so on. but nothing I said to myself seemed to matter. Let me tell you, my subconscious is a huge Devil’s advocate, and used every chance to argue against my positive reinforcement.
My conscious mind was telling my subconscious that life was not as bad as I was thinking, but I can tell you, it feels like nothing is ever going to get better. You seriously do think over and over, why are you fighting to keep on suffering?
I am telling you these things so that others that go through this, know that they are not alone. It helps me all the time. I am signed up online on Facebook for a page called the Mighty, and I have them on top of my feed. They deal with different illnesses, a lot of them are mental ones. Some of the articles came to mind during the week and I used them to help me get pass it all.
I also spend time listening to music if I can get myself up and turning it on. (Seriously, if you never had it, the act of getting up and doing anything seems to be too much work.) I listen to Safety Suits, These Times. It is a poignant song to me, for it reminds me that everything will pass. It has lines in it that I resonate to, like “But I’ve seen despair here from the inside, And it’s got a one track mind“. So true. Hence what I mentioned before of fighting myself.
Then there are these lines: “And I know there’s someone out there somewhere, Who has it much worse than I do, But I have a dream inside, a perfect life, I’d give anything just to work, It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out, Of all these things I can’t.” You always know people who have it worse than you do, but when you are suffering, it just doesn’t help. In fact, in a way it makes me want to stand up and scream that Life sucks and stop comparing me to others! And I dream of a better life, of how I would go back and fix things, anything just to give me a moment of respite from the sheer hopelessness I was feeling.
Then there is the line that helps me throughout the song:
I’m telling you these times are hard But they will pass They will pass They will pass These times are hard But they will pass
Sometimes you need to reminded that.
If you are suffering, please get help. Tell others, I will be more than willing to listen to you if you need to talk to someone. There are others. I am lucky to have my hubby that I can tell him everything.
And for what I was going on, we know what triggered it. And like I told myself, the reason why it hit me so hard did in fact pass. I had a somewhat lucky episode. I knew what set it off and hoped more than you would ever guess that it would end.
It did. It passed.
But that week will haunt me for a long time, and I don’t think I will ever be able to shake off easily the doubts that crept so insidiously through my mind. I have low self-esteem and it took a hard hit last week. All from my subconscious and it is still hitting me in dreams and so forth as we work through it. And I say we since my Husband, the wonderful M as he likes to be called. (Something about how Mr. Kittyinaz didn’t sound right. Personally, I think he watched too much James Bond.) He is standing beside me and works with me.
Though I suspect he wishes that I didn’t spend Saturday shopping with my mom. Though I got some awesome deals, stood up for myself to get the deals I shopped for and so on. It helped, but having him in my corner worked more.
And by the way, Doctor Strange is awesome. I already have the story I knew I would eventually want to write forming in my head.
So to sum this post up, depression is hard. No matter how much you suffer from it. Never give up, for as the song says, it will pass.
Sorry! But I was working on the chapter of Sacred, (yes that is the chapter!) and suddenly heard ‘Til the Last Shot is Fired.
That song made a bunch of ideas cascade in my head. So I wrote them all as a one shot. It’s a mashup of fandoms, and probably won’t have anything to do with it after this, cause it made me cry. I found out more than I wanted about the battles mentioned in the song, as well as about a certain character, (which didn’t match up to the movie version so I used that one, cause it was in my head).
It’s up in the Kittyinaz’s Group, for any who are a member of that group. It’s under Files, and you can read it in all it’s unedited glory. Just have a tissue around. I don’t know if it will affect anyone else, but with the scenes in my head, yeah… it made me cry.
Tomorrow I will work on your chapter, or tonight if I can get in a better mood. For now, I am going off to curl up, pop me a bag of popcorn, and finish reading the story I am on. And then go to InLoveWithEric’s Dead From Head to Tales. Thanks to a lady in my Group who asked if anyone knew it, and it is a favorite of mine.
But I need some happy vibes.
The chapter of Sacred is done, needs to have pics and a banner inserted with links to other chapters (and a mysterious gif I can’t find of Eric taking off with Sookie!). Once they are done, I will publish it for your reading pleasure.
Like this past week became the week from hell. Instead of dropping off the deep end in depression, I instead had the confirmation of you wonderful people to keep me from circling down the drain.
And this made me think about it and I would like to ask a favor.
Just a small one.
You know those writers that you wait for updates on? Or ever new series or really anything? But especially those that write and you are waiting on updates. IT can be that they updated today, but I guarantee that someone would have demanded asked for an update already.
Send them the message you sent me. Let them know that you appreciate them.
Let them know that they may get those nasty reviews or comments, that they have fans that think the world of them and are patient.
For I can tell you it helped me before I had the week from hell.
As for me, I am going to be working on that story, and to get the stories ready. This moving hosts thing is not as easy as it was the first time (and that wasn’t easy either!). So I didn’t want to post the stories only to have the site down. For with my luck, it would make all that work go down the drain. (and every time I say that, I think of Jimmy Fallon saying it to Dwayne Johnson on Lip Sync Battle)
Right now, I want to try to write. I have been sick, and I really need to get back to writing. I never expected the busy week to turn out the way it did. Then I had a scare of my computer not wanting to start back up. Oi Vey.
So go out, do some good for those writers who get those nasty people who ask for updates, not understanding why it would be negatively affecting us. And give them the knowledge that someone cares and is willing to wait.
I will say this before most of you read this. If you are willing to wait for updates when I have something, anything to give you, then this message is not for you. If you want to read something just to feel like you are entitled to harass the writer into writing more on it, then this is for you.
This weekend I was doing my normal thing of reblogging other sites for the Kittyinaz’s Reblog Page. It is meant no more than to let others who follow me know what I like to read and who I follow. A way to let others know of stories they may like.
But I got a review that upset me at first, then made me sit back and rethink.
The person wasn’t rude, but instead commented on a post from another person a kind reminder to finish my stories.
Now, I do know most of you are very patient with me, and I greatly appreciate it. However, the few ruin the moment for the most.
I spent Monday-Thursdays working on my original fiction. And since 1) my writing is not a normal 9-5 job, I end up working most of the hours I am awake. My breaks are when I spend an hour or two with hubby, and make dinner. I have been up until 4am only to go to bed, then maybe have 2-6 hours of sleep before I am up repeating.
Then I spend Fridays (if I am able) as well as Saturday and Sunday working on Fanfiction. All to make sure those that read the Fanfiction are not ignored. The free time I have those days, I end up sleeping or trying to spend time with others in my family.
I get no days off. And this review made it where I felt even more guilty for spending any time away from the computer.
Something has got to give.
Now I truly love writing, and when a story idea comes across, I can write upwards of 3 chapters a day with over 2K words in each. Which is happening with the fic that I am currently writing because the muse doesn’t want to let it go.
But it has been a learning process. If I had known whatI do now, I wouldn’t put aside a project to work on others because people are wanting me to. I also spent a year not writing pretty much, because for one thing I truly thought I had no talent for it, and two, I was sick. Like I ended up losing my job cause I was so sick. Needless to say, I was depressed.
It was due to Faeregina that I even came back to writing fanfiction. Without her encouraging me, I would never have started In The End. I still have 3 stories I wasn’t writing on, because again, I was depressed. I would have never started in this fandom since I was still writing in Alice, Alice in Wonderland and Tin Man. And to be fair, those people are the most patient people in the world. Not once do I ever get a message if I am going to finish, instead I get notes on how much they enjoy the works.
However I feel haunted and guilty if I am not working on something, and it is only now I realized that I have no time for myself. I am always working on something, and when I do spend time to myself, it makes me depressed and guilty.
I am a workaholic.
That is nothing new to anyone that knows me. There was a project at work that I ended up working 7am – 10pm Mon-Sat. And Sundays if there were no others that would come in to cover the supervisor positions. As well as my own work, which was more than enough to fulfill a normal work person’s time. But that was normal for me.
Now, I get so many demands (yes demands…) that I update something. I am working on all I can. I have stories that I want to get back to, but feel guilty when I have demands for others. I try to force myself to work on some stories just to have people leave me alone. Instead, I get great amounts of crap that I will not let anyone read cause they really suck. But the stories that are percolating in my brain? Those get ignored though I could type them out in less time that it takes me to get one of the others out.
For instance, All I Want? A week and a half to write that. Seriously. Crossing the Fine Line? 2 weeks. Because of more research than I normally do on a project as well as there was personal drama during that time.
3 chapters of In The End? 3 weeks.
Not kidding.
I am getting really close to making everything private. But then, I refuse to ruin things for the masses for those few who feel that they have the right to harass me to update on a story they are getting to read for free. One that I poured alot of my time, effort, sleeplessness, health and so on into. Never asking more than maybe a review? Because I am not being bad, I sometimes don’t remember to review. I try, but I know it isn’t possible. But if it somewhere where I can ‘like,’ follow, favorite or anything to let the writer know I read their stuff, I do.
If you don’t want to read anything unless it is finished, I don’t blame you. I will never abandon a story, but there are times that the muse for that story has taken a vacation, and left no forwarding address or a way for me to get hold of her. Instead of being totally silent then, I work on something else. I try to let you guys know what is going on.
I’m sorry this is nothing but a rant, but hell, I spent all day stewing about this, realizing that taking some time to myself is not wrong. Though I will feel guilty about it and be back to writing soon enough.
So please, next time you hound a writer for an update, think of what you are demanding. Cause I will tell you as one of them harassed, I am more likely to pull everything down than start writing on it because of you demanding that I do. To me, it is the same as you working for free, then me demanding you work more for free because I feel like it.
Now I am going to relax. And again, this is nowhere directed to the majority, it is to those that never seem to realize that they are being slavemasters to a group of people that are working for free on top of their normal lives that we people live. Or if they are like me, realize they deserve a chance to play games, go out, learn something new and so on.
Cause life is way too short to feel guilty for demanding people who give nothing back but negative feelings. I can write these stories and never share them.
I’m going to list the stories so you can know what will be eligible. April 15, 2015, to August 1, 2016
First off All The stories that are eligible:
Completed 9/25/15
First Posting – 04/02/16
(x-over) – 6/4/16
(x-over) – 4/12/16
Now, the ladies who make me look good, so they get1st entry under the categories.
Eagle Eye – Best Beta
Category nominated by authors for the stories they help with, must provide story title
Christine: Crossing The Fine Line
Juliet709 – Put Your Feet up to The Edge
MistressJEssica1028 – Picking Down Clocks
tj6james6 – Some Sacred Place in Time
The Hybrid Award – Best Crossover
Category for all crossover stories with other fandoms
Picking Down Clocks (x-over) – 6/4/16
Put Your Feet Up To The Edge (x-over) – 4/12/16
I am not saying anything, you have the stories above that qualify for the following awards:
Mr. January Award- Best Lemon
Category for best love/sex scene
The Greatest Love Story – Favorite Story
Category for best story of the year
Rollercoaster Award – Best Angst/Drama/Cliffhangers
Category for those stories that are able to leave you gasping for breath
The Viking Award – Best Eric
Category for the Best Eric in a story
The Saucy Award – Best Sookie
Category for the Best Sookie
The Flying Monkey Award – Best Villain
Category for the best villain, must provide name
Sacred so far has:
Crossing the Fine Line:
Lucifer
Who the Hell Are You Award – Best OC
Category for the best Original Character, must provide name
The following is a list of characters that would qualify for Cross The Line. Some Sacred Place in Time doesn’t really have any for you guys…yet….. I put them in a slideshow cause there are many… I also have a character page here.
Pins and Needles Award – W.I.P. story you wait anxiously for updates on
Category for WIP stories only and last update must have been in the dates provided
These are all the WIP Stories as well as the last update.
08/04/16 (most recent but the one that qualifies: 04/01/16)
Best of the Best Award – All Time Favorite Story
Category for the best story of all time. This is the only category with NO time limit. Yes . . . Any story can be nominated for this award.
EricIsMine Award – Favorite Author
Category for your favorite author
Van Gogh Award – Best Artist
Category for artists who make banners, gifs, videos to visually enhance stories ( I make most if not all of mine own now. There are others, markedly Gyllene that makes some of mine like What if, and Picking Down Clocks!) And I made sure, but all my videos are made my 4Padfoot, and she told me she isn’t allowed to be nominated. But I wanted to mention her!
I think that should give you a good head start. Yes, all banners link back to the story cover page. I am off to work on other things, liek updating other sites and Robin’s project.
For those that follow me on Facebook may have noticed I have been quiet for more than a week. It has not been just here that I have been quiet.
Let’s say RL has crashed in on me and M. It was enough to drive us both to being extremely stressed, as well as having to make some choices.
First the bad news, (so I can end this on a positive note!).
I am going to need to turn my attention to my Original Fiction as my major focus. No longer can Fanfiction be the main focus. Even with this change in focus, I may have to do a part time job so that we can deal with the financial side of things. Luckily, if I can get books published, it may make up the difference and my hubby (M) is all for that instead.
Since as we witnessed personally, I really cannot take stress at all anymore.
Now the change is a really good one, but it just means things will be drastically scaled back. The contests are going to be continued, mostly as I come up with an idea. It may take me longer to do banners, but I will do what I can. Also, I have ALOT of chapters written that need to be edited, including In The End.
I also have a couple more things up my sleeves.
I need to push Fanfiction to weekends (Friday-Sundays) and concentrate on the other stuff. For those that are allowed to read the original fiction, this means you guys will be getting updates.
Just please be patient. I really cannot take much more stress from people being nasty about the whole thing. If it gets too bad, I may pull everything. Cause it has been bad (not on this site, you guys are freaking awesome!!! As well as the people on BIT And Fanfiction Affliction!!!) on other sites.
I write and update when the muse gives me information. I have tried to make her do the sequel to All I Want, and while I know exactly where I want to go, the first few chapters are fighting me. Then there is Damon not talking to me for the You’re sequel. Again, I know where we are going with that one. For the rest, I am trying. There is only one me, and with my health taking such a huge nosedive in the last few days, we are finding I am not as sturdy as we hoped.
But as I mentioned, there is a lot of good things coming for you guys. For one, I have my entry in the Bertie Bott’s Contest. It is live, and I recommend you to go read them!!! There was one that M read and laughed at. I read all fifteen of them, (yes, 15!!) and I can tell you it is hard to pick one to vote. Luckily we can vote once a day.
There are chapters beta’d and ready to go, just without banners or little things. Hopefully, this drama that is in my life is over, and we can get to the changes and settle into a new pattern. Since so many things are changing, I need to find a new set of patterns to settle into. For one, the puppies and cats will be happy. They are all sprawled out in the office. Happily.
I just wanted to let you guys know what is going on. I am hoping to be online doing many things today, some of it relevant to the above stuff. And no, I am not wanting comments and pity and so forth. Frankly, I can’t take it. But I wanted to let you, my readers, know what is going on. This way you know I am giving you what I can, and when I can find the free time to write new stuff for Fanfiction there will be more.
Here is a breakdown of stories and chapters. Banners are connected to main pages. Published is exactly that. Pending means pending to publish for you guys. Drafts are what I have written but not edited.
Alice 2009
Published – 13 Chapters. Pending – Up to 21. Drafts – 0 Planned – In my head but yeah.
Inuyasha
Published – 3 . Pending – 0 Drafts – 1 1/2 Planned – In head
Jupiter Ascending
Published – 0 Pending – 0 Drafts – 0 Outline done
Once Upon a Time (co-authored)
Published – 7 Pending – 1 (sent to co-author) Drafts – 3 Planned – In Head
Tin Man
Published – 12 Pending – 3 Drafts – 1 Planned – Kinda in head
True Blood
Published – 27 Pending – 0 Drafts – 3 Planned – and Outlined
Published – 0 Pending – 0 Drafts – 2 (this is going to expand) Planned – Yes
Published – 17 Pending – 0 Drafts – 1 Planned – In My Head
Twilight
Yeah, I am going to bring this back. I have enough to write on Original Fiction to try to move this around. And yes, this means Tea Shop is coming back as well.
It truly is amazing the stuff you can find on the internet. I searched Alexander Skarsgard leprechaun and the picture above is what popped up. I think it is fitting for today. Sorry I missed posting last week, but Daylight Savings in the USA screwed me up. Losing one hour completely wrecked my week. I…
Can someone please explain to me why I am seeing more snow in March than I did in the entire months of December and January???? I should be getting ready for spring, not worrying about shoveling 8 inches of snow. The only way snow in March is acceptable is if it this is part of…
Hello lovelies. I cannot guarantee I will be back to publishing weekly, but I will try. My dear beta, kleannhouse, is in high demand trying to juggle the stories of three writers. She is amazing and she makes me laugh with all of her comments on my stories. This one especially. I started this story…
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Lucifer
