Monday’s Suck

by Kittyinaz | Oct 26, 2015 | My Thoughts

At least today does for me.

I went to the Dr’s.  She was touching base on some of my medicines, and M wanted me to talk to her about something that I have noticed that has been going on.  And I am now technically labeled depressed.

I don’t feel sad.

I don’t feel happy either.

I feel like nothing.  I might laugh or cry, but there is nothing really behind it.

I am numb.

And to make it so much better, my body is still feeling everything.  Which makes it worse, since I am dealing with the side effects of tense muscles, and all the fun that goes with it.

What do you mean, Wendy?

My body is stressed, it gets sick.  I can feel the tension in my upper arms and back that I am tense, but I feel emotionally nothing. I don’t feel stressed.  I can’t tell what it is making it so, I can only feel the effects of it on my body.  And it makes me sick.  I can’t do anything about it, since there is nothing I feel to fix it.

The only time I feel something is when I am writing, since I think in pictures, and am immersed in the movie I am telling you guys.  But I can’t spend my life in my head.

I can easily see why people may give up, there is nothing there to inspire me, nothing to make me want to go on if all I feel is nothing.

I am NOT saying this is happening now, and I don’t give up.  I have a great support system around me, I also have a huge sense of obligation, and that alone will help me.  I feel like I need to finish the stories, including the ones floating around in my head.

However, I can soooo understand those that want to give up.  They either feel too much or feel nothing.  Both would make you want to give up, because why keep fighting when there is no joy in it?

To have you feel disconnected to everything around you is awful.  Knowing you should feel something, that your body is feeling it, but you have nothing, it is scary.  Almost as scary as the one time I relaxed my mind and found out it is a scary place to be.  To try to explain, my mind feels like it is racing with thoughts all the time, but where I function, is a bubble of calmness.  That bubble being gone was scary since all those thoughts had at once…

I didn’t think I was depressed. I  mean, you have been told that means you are sad right? That everything feels hopeless and no reason to go on, and you can’t get out of the hole, since you are stuck.

Nope.

Seems you can just feel nothing at all.  And it can get worse, to where you don’t want to get out of bed, you don’t want to do anything.

And I am actually further along that path than I ever imagined.  I struggle to get out of bed, sometimes, it is the obligations of making banners, running contests and so on that get me out.  To write the stories.  I don’t have an appetite.  I eat because it is often expected.  But if no one notices, I may only eat once a day.

I want to let you guys know what is happening, in case there is someone out there like me that doesn’t know.  And to let those that are out there, that there is another person that you can talk to.  That there is someone who understands when you tell people you can’t feel anything.

And it is scary.

To feel nothing.  To have where you laugh, but you don’t truly feel happy.  M\yY kitten does some really funny things around me lately.  She attacks her shadow on the floor. Connor has been very loving.  But for them both, instead of feeling that happiness really, deeply, it is is surface only, and fleeting.  It is forgotten as soon as it comes.  I liken it to oil on water.  It’s there and then gone.

I haven’t even been angry.  Which, unfortunately,  has been a setting that often made me feel very deeply, but nope.

Though on the positive side, I am calm.  LOL!

So it is not that I am not emotionless, nor is it I feel sad.  It is that there is nothing to look forward to tomorrow.  There is nothing pushing me to get up and go write.  To get up and eat.  To get up. knowing that all  that will happen is that I exist and nothing else.

What is my Dr recommending right now?  I have lots of my anti-depressant that we have used since my body has always been much more sensitive to outside things, like stress.  It was to help with the insomnia, and with my body being so sick. So I am to take for the next month double the dosage.

I am to keep exercising, and if I have to stop with the weights because I am not looking forward to it, do drop them.  But go my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  The exercise will help me out, which I did know, and it was why I started back on doing it.  I get a huge boost of endorphins, so I figured it would help.

However, I have no appetite.  And because of this, I have to be careful, making sure I do eat.  IF I forget, I have to do a replacement shake, Boost, to make sure I have the vitamins, protein and calories.  I am to make sure there is food around me, that I see.  To remind me to eat.  It is so bad, that I am to eat empty calories if nothing else.

I gained weight. It can happen when you are not really eating.  I eat a meal and maybe a snack a day.  Just enough to keep me going I guess.  So my body hoards everything.  And it makes you gain weight.  Who knew that barely eating, would make you heavier?

My Doctor of course.

Seems that what she had warned me of happening, has come to be.  My body is in starvation mode and it makes it where I gain weight.  I need to eat, to get it out of the mode, and where the exercise and so on will help.  I have to set alarms, and so on.  I need to leave food around me, so I will snack on it here and there. If I skip meals that day, like I only ate once, I have to do a boost or ensure.

So I bought grapes, I have different lunches, and I bought the stuff to make stew as well as a roast.  I bought snacky food since she approved that.  And in a way, it is already helping.  I have white cheddar popcorn in front of me, and I find myself grabbing a kernel at a time to snack on.  I have snacked on the grapes as I walk through the house, too lazy to unvine them and put them in a container.  And I have drunk my chocolate milk.

I worry about money, so I don’t like buying snacky things unless a treat.  Now, I have them to eat and being ordered too.  Of course as she mentioned, I am going to the gym, and it will all balance out in the long run, so it is why she is approving the empty calories as well.

Like I mentioned, I just wanted to say something about it in case there are others out there that feel the same way.  I will talk more on the Kittyinaz Blabbery, if you want to follow what is going on.

In other news, I am binge watching Once Upon a Time, so while I wanted to get started on Sacred, I am still on Best instead, watching it, as well as thinking on things.  Just remember, that I had named it a universe, along with my Alice and Tin Man stories.  It will make it interesting for those that follow those since I am going to have to drop those story lines to make it work for Once Upon a time.  Just remember, I started the story before Season 3.  So it is not going to line up with that.  I will be making some changes and so on.

But in the long run, it will all make sense.

I am off to finish dinner, to binge watch, as I try to get a handle on everything that was told to me.

Kittyinaz