The Last Week

by Kittyinaz | Nov 7, 2016 | Uncategorized

As most of you know, I have diagnosed with depression.

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I have had with it.

I spent Monday hardly able to get out of bed.  I felt no reason to, though I had plenty.  I couldn’t help but think of how bad my life sucks, how everything is falling down and the awful things.  No matter how much I argued with myself, I couldn’t get rid of the feeling of nothing really mattering.  I can easily see why people think that suicide is the only solution left.

For I did think of it and dismissed it.  It came back quite a few times over the week, but each time, I dismissed it and did as my hubby said.  Tell him when I was negative.  He encouraged me to make plans on Friday for a date night to go see Doctor Strange.  He consoled me when I would tell him I was a failure, that I can’t even manage to stay well for very long and I was nothing but a burden to him.  I refuted myself when I said mean things to myself, how I couldn’t seem to finish my novel and so on.  but nothing I said to myself seemed to matter.  Let me tell you, my subconscious is a huge Devil’s advocate, and used every chance to argue against my positive reinforcement.

My conscious mind was telling my subconscious that life was not as bad as I was thinking, but I can tell you, it feels like nothing is ever going to get better.  You seriously do think over and over, why are you fighting to keep on suffering?

I am telling you these things so that others that go through this, know that they are not alone.  It helps me all the time.  I am signed up online on Facebook for a page called the Mighty, and I have them on top of my feed.  They deal with different illnesses, a lot of them are mental ones.  Some of the articles came to mind during the week and I used them to help me get pass it all.

I also spend time listening to music if I can get myself up and turning it on.  (Seriously, if you never had it, the act of getting up and doing anything seems to be too much work.)  I listen to Safety Suits, These Times. It is a poignant song to me, for it reminds me that everything will pass.  It has lines in it that I resonate to, like “But I’ve seen despair here from the inside, And it’s got a one track mind“.  So true.  Hence what I mentioned before of fighting myself.

Then there are these lines: “And I know there’s someone out there somewhere, Who has it much worse than I do, But I have a dream inside, a perfect life, I’d give anything just to work, It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out, Of all these things I can’t.”  You always know people who have it worse than you do, but when you are suffering, it just doesn’t help.  In fact, in a way it makes me want to stand up and scream that Life sucks and stop comparing me to others!  And I dream of a better life, of how I would go back and fix things, anything just to give me a moment of respite from the sheer hopelessness I was feeling.

Then there is the line that helps me throughout the song:

I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will pass

Sometimes you need to reminded that.

If you are suffering, please get help.  Tell others, I will be more than willing to listen to you if you need to talk to someone.  There are others.  I am lucky to have my hubby that I can tell him everything.

And for what I was going on, we know what triggered it.  And like I told myself, the reason why it hit me so hard did in fact pass.  I had a somewhat lucky episode.  I knew what set it off and hoped more than you would ever guess that it would end.

It did.  It passed.

But that week will haunt me for a long time, and I don’t think I will ever be able to shake off easily the doubts that crept so insidiously through my mind.  I have low self-esteem and it took a hard hit last week.   All from my subconscious and it is still hitting me in dreams and so forth as we work through it.  And I say we since my Husband, the wonderful M as he likes to be called.  (Something about how Mr. Kittyinaz didn’t sound right.  Personally, I think he watched too much James Bond.)  He is standing beside me and works with me.

Though I suspect he wishes that I didn’t spend Saturday shopping with my mom.  Though I got some awesome deals, stood up for myself to get the deals I shopped for and so on. It helped, but having him in my corner worked more.

And by the way, Doctor Strange is awesome.  I already have the story I knew I would eventually want to write forming in my head.

So to sum this post up, depression is hard.  No matter how much you suffer from it.  Never give up, for as the song says, it will pass.

By all that is holy, it WILL Pass.

Kittyinaz