‘’Wake.’’ I tell myself but somehow my eyelids are closed shut.
‘’WAKE!’’ I said it louder as my eyes opened and my upper body lifted to a seated position.
I looked at my naked body and wondered if my skin ever looked so pale. I focused on my toes and tried to wiggle them without much success. What was it with this stupid cold body with slow responses? As if my brain thought of something, but without blood pumping through my veins it took longer to reach the extremity of it. Of course, this only lasted for a couple minutes so I waited.
And waited.
Finally, the big toe moved from left to right and I have an internal happy dance. I finally get up to walk to the dresser near the bed to grab some clothing. I wasn’t allowed to wear anymore of my sundresses because apparently, it was not something a vampire would wear. Whatever.
You see, I am dead. I guess it happened fast; I didn’t have time to react or internally assess what had happened. I wasn’t angry or sad, I was just… me. When I turned, I didn’t even realized what was going on. I mean I had closed my eyes thinking I was dying but then I had awakened to this new life. It took me months to get accustomed to it and without a Maker to teach me the ropes of hunting, feeding, and fighting, Eric had stepped up.
Who is my Maker you ask?
In an effort to keep me alive, Bill had given me his blood not paying attention to the fact that I had already passed away.
The result?
I died and I came back as one of them. Great.
All this is my fault though; I mean I did go after him for what he did to me. I had every reason in the world to hate him, to be miserable, to be angry. Every reason in the world to grieve, to put myself back together and move on but I didn’t. Instead, I let rage consume me and revenge was all I could see. What is it they say again about revenge? You dig two graves. Well it was all too true for me.
The reality though, is that a part of me died in that trunk and that part was my humanity. Just like I had snapped out of a dream I was living, I stopped caring for everyone that surrounded me. How could I care when I didn’t even have enough energy to do so for myself?
A friend once told me we are memories, and without them, we equal nothing. Bill had taken all my memories away from me. When he raped me, he tarnished every single one of them to the point I couldn’t remember a time where I wasn’t a victim. The minute I would have a memory of a happier time, a time before the event, I would break down crying. I couldn’t control it, I felt like I had a permanent ball of anxiety and stress in my stomach. That is what terror does to you. You stop sleeping and you live in a state of tight shoulders and tippy toes. I wasn’t scared of Bill and the fact that he would do it again. No. What I was terrified of was those fucking memories. Sometimes out of nowhere, I would smell him on me and I would scream. Other times I would just be working and someone would come in and would remind me of his sorry ass and I would get these…flashbacks that would bring me to my knees. I lived everyday with this constant terror floating around me.
And if you think that was all and that you know, I could have moved on once I had stopped to be scared, you are wrong.
I also lived every day with the pain that someone had violated my body. Sure, after a couple days, the physical pain was gone but the mental agony settled in deep. At first, I had been depressed about the events and had broken it off with Bill. I am sure I had once loved him but it was impossible at that point to look at him in the eyes and not remember that night. Just a mention of his name was enough to make me vomit. Like literally vomit as if my body didn’t know how to deal with all this hatred I had for it so it puked it up. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because it reminded me of how weak I was and how I was a toy for vampires. They had no respect for human life, why would they for me? So, like I said, I stopped caring. It wasn’t like at one moment I had made the decision or anything. It had been progressive. It had started with the things I enjoyed. I held no value in them anymore. Taking a shower was a chore, putting on clothes a nightmare. I didn’t want to do any of it. All I wanted to do was to forget and yet I couldn’t.
The first few weeks I had fallen into a downward spiral of a permanent state of sadness. I felt I didn’t deserve to live anymore. My own body disgusted me but worst, I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes, out of fear they would see how revolting I was. I would take a shower every night and scrub myself so hard I would bleed, but I felt that I didn’t deserve anything comforting.
Eric had tried to help me. He had visited me a couple times but I think he saw it in my eyes. I was gone. Bill had killed my trust and faith in life and I am sure Eric found it unsettling. I mean even today, we do not speak of my human life very much. If I didn’t know the Viking so well I would have thought he was scared of what that conversation would unleash.
I rejected him then, as I always did when he wanted to help and protect me. This time it was different. I wasn’t afraid of my own feelings for him, I truly believed I did not deserve him. As if I was soiled goods, I had nothing to offer a Vampire such as him and he deserved better.
I reached a place at that point that was so cold and dark I had to set myself free. That is when anger took control. I mean if you read books about grieving, it does say after that stage you accept and move on, but I didn’t. I was so blinded by the salty taste of my own blood every time I clenched my teeth out of rage that I let the feelings consume me fully.
Angry, I had looked at myself in a mirror for the first time in months and I had taken the decision.
‘’Kill. Bill.’’ Is all I kept telling myself.
I obsessed over him. I followed him every night to make a pattern of his every move, his contacts, and his resources. I barely slept, spending my nights stalking him while my days were spent wondering how to get my revenge.
I was not going to be a victim anymore. I wanted him to die. It was like an epiphany as if all my pain would go away once he melted into a puddle of goo. I wanted him to feel like I felt; I wanted him to beg for his undead life. He was going to see what it was like to be a victim no matter the cost.
I spent many days buying silver chains and ammunition not knowing exactly how I was going to kill him but following the truth that he was going to be ended, and I was going to watch. There lay my salvation.
Eric had made another appearance during that phase. I think he knew where I was heading but I don’t think he realized how serious I was. Why would he think for one second I could take on Bill Compton single handed anyways? Eric was ancient, he had seen a lot in his life but he had a bad tendency of downplaying humans. All vampires did. I guessed he forgot I wasn’t just any human because when he saw the flames burning in my eyes, he had smiled despite me cursing him and ordering him out of my house. He had given me that trademark smirk of his, as if he knew me better than anyone else did. I was going to prove him wrong. When he had left that night, I spent the rest of it loading silver bullets into my Beretta’s magazine. I counted them slowly…thirteen of them. I was going to make sure twelve of them were going to enter his body and the last one was for me in case it all went to shit.
‘’No way I would let him touch me again.’’ I had said to myself thinking I would rather die than relive that once more.
I walked across the cemetery not really thinking exactly what I was going to do. I had absolutely no plan whatsoever, merely relying on the fact that I was going to do the unexpected especially for the southern belle that I am or so they say. The gun was in my hand and was loaded. I had taken a backpack with me full of silver chains. When I reached his door, I knocked. I don’t know why I did, it’s not like I needed an invitation to enter but he answered the door and although he was a vampire and very good at not showing emotions, he did looked surprised for half a second.
‘’Why, oh my’’ Bill stuttered to me ‘’what brings…’’
I didn’t give him time to finish his sentence I shot him in the stomach, pushing him back onto the floor.
‘’Shut the fuck up Bill!’’ I heard myself shout.
I think he mumbled something along the lines of, “What the fuck”, but the pain from the silver bullet must have been enough that he wasn’t able to speak properly. I took the backpack off my shoulders and placed the silver chains on his wrists and legs while he was moaning in pain. To be honest, I was too focused on my task, to hear his plea.
I shut the front door and turned around to watch Bill hissing at me. I remember debating whether I should move him out of the hallway but then opted not to in case he used that opportunity to take control over me. I stood there for a couple of minutes not knowing what I was going to do next. I didn’t want to torture him or anything, physical pain wasn’t my goal. A part of me was fighting with my anger of wanting to let go of Bill and ask him why he would do such a thing to me.
But, just like that my anger would kick it in the butt and put it to rest.
‘’Tell me why you should live.’’ is all I asked. He laughed. Can you believe it, he actually laughed? Was that supposed to calm me? It didn’t. I took a silver knife I had in the bag and straddled his body sitting on his stomach. I instantly regretted it as I could feel him between my legs in a way I had hoped I would have never again. I instantly vomited bile on the floor beside him as images of what he had done to me came back to the surface. It was like in one touch he could bring me back right to that trunk. His vile touch, the smell of blood, I gagged again at the imagery of feeling him inside me again.
Bill was silent as I got up and went to the dining room to grab two chairs which I brought back into the hall way. I used the silver chains to bind Bill’s wrists and legs and then helped him sit on one of the chairs as I sat in front of him. He was surprisingly cooperative. Either he was stupid or he thought I wouldn’t really kill him. I wondered how long it would take him to realize I had nothing left to loose, or so I thought then.
I placed the sharp blade under his chin as he snarled at the pain. I wasn’t enjoying it for per say, but I didn’t mind it either. Like I said, I wanted him to feel like I had felt, which meant some physical pain but also emotional ones. Since I highly doubted he was capable of love, I decided to attack his pride and his sense of superiority. I wanted him to fear me.
‘’If only you knew what you have done.’’ I said as I slowly moved the silver blade across his throat not deep enough to cut his skin but to burn it. In one fast movement, I stabbed the chair he was sitting on right in between his legs, which made him jump.
‘’I want to know why you did it.’’
I was going to listen because I couldn’t imagine any excuse in the world that made it okay for him to violate and disrespect me in such way. I had nothing left. He took everything away from me. My pride, my self-esteem, my memories, and my faith in life as I knew it. I couldn’t see the point in living anymore and now that I look back, I wish I had gotten help instead, but it was too late and I was going to enjoy that second undead life that had been gifted to me no matter how much blood I had to drink. Being a vampire wasn’t that bad really, but anyways, back to my story.
Bill looked at me straight in the eyes. He looked sad as if he actually felt sorry for what he had done but I couldn’t believe it. No one who does such thing felt bad about it after the fact. It wasn’t an accident, he had violated me and he was going to pay for it with his life.
‘’Drop the act asshole, why did you do it?’’ I asked again.
At that point his expression had changed, it’s like, for the first time, he understood I wasn’t playing . As if he could look any more serious, he looked away from me.
‘’I didn’t mean to.’’
‘’Bullshit!’’
‘’I couldn’t help myself!’’
‘’Sure you could have, no one made you rape me. You did, take ownership of your actions!’’
And just like that, it hit me. Sure I wanted him to feel how I had felt, I wanted to take his life, but what I wanted most of all was a fucking apology. I wanted him to admit to his actions, to embrace them and accept this was his own fault he was going to die tonight. If I wasn’t going to kill him, the sun was.
He growled, or was it me? I am not sure. I turned my back on him in part to convince myself I was in charge but also because I needed to grab the gun I had left on a small table behind the chair. I should have known better, I should have just killed him right away but instead I had wanted more out of him and I guess I had to pay the price for it.
When I turned around, Bill was no longer on the chair. Don’t ask me how he got away but he did. I gasped in horror and when I reached for the door, he had grabbed me and had pounced on me. The roles had been reversed, I was now the prey and he was the hunter. He straddled me but this time I could feel his disgusting bulge rubbing against me. He was fucking turned on! What a nightmare. As he had ambushed me the gun had flew across the hallway or something because it was no longer in my hands.
I tried to fight him off but it was in vain. He was obviously stronger than I was.
‘’I am going to kill you Bill.’’ I said between my teeth, which made him laugh.
I am sure to someone who might had witness the scene they would of thought the laugh as a nervous one or maybe as a belittling one but I took it as a confession. That’s right, why would he be on top of me rubbing himself if the first time he didn’t mean to? Why would he be turned on by attacking me? He didn’t mean it the first time but this time, he does? What?
His hands were holding mine above my head which allowed me to use an old defense technique I had learned somewhere on the internet. I pushed my arms on the side of my body, which made Bill loose his grasp and lean forward. I then smacked him on the face with my own head fully knowing I would only have one second to take the advantage, and I did. I somehow reached for the knife that was nearby and stabbed Bill to the chest as I wiggled my way out of his embrace. I ran to the door and opened it as I exited in a hurry. He followed me into the cemetery and grabbed me faster than I could say “jello”. He threw me head first onto the nearby gravestone. I was bleeding a lot judging by the blood that started to pool on the granite.
I turned around to be face to face with Bill who punched me in the eye. What kind of gentleman does that anyways? I used all the force I had to push him as hard as I could, which made him back up one foot. I noticed he had the gun in his other hand so I tried to grab it with one hand while the other grabbed the knife that was still in his chest and proceeding in attempting to stab his face. Bill blocked every single one of them with his forearms, which were burnt to a degree that even the blood was gone.
I then managed to stab him in the leg and kicking him in the groin making him howl in pain and he dropped the Berretta. I picked it up right away. At that point, Bill had already removed the knife from his leg and grabbed me by the throat. As I felt the life leaving my body as he raised me to the sky, I shot two bullets in his direction not knowing if I had hit him or not. It is then he threw me with all the force that he had.
In all my time as a human, I had been thrown many times but never did I land on my head. Lying on the ground with my left cheek buried into the grass, I realized I was going to die. It was inevitable, I had landed on my head, I had heard the crack of one of my bones and this was all confirmed by the lack of feeling I had in my body. Completely and utterly numb, I couldn’t move my head or my body in any way but I wasn’t scared. I was ready to die. I had endured a lot of pain and grief and I believed in heaven so I was ready to go.
Miraculously, I felt no pain. I felt I was lying down on a cloud and I was waiting for it to take me to him up there. I wanted to join my parents and my Gran. My vision was blurry but not enough to stop me from seeing Bill fall to the ground. One of the bullets had somehow reached his brain and here he was lying on the Earth, staring at me as he was bleeding to death. I thought of smiling but I am not sure if I did.
As I closed my eyes, I took my last breath and died peacefully. It was liberating, as if all the problems, the pains and the aches I had were removed instantly. I felt serene. As if nothing could touch me anymore. I no longer felt the anxiety and the stress. The fear was gone and for the first time in months, I was happy.
I do not know what happens after death, whether heaven exist and that I am now forever banned from it. As quickly as my last breath had left my body, a second wind hit me but this time, I wasn’t breathing. I had reopened my eyes and I knew I should have not. My body took a couple minutes before I could move it again and rise. This happened every time I awaken as if I had to relive my death over, and over again.
It had been explained to me that in a last effort to save me, Bill had crawled up to me and had given me blood. The problem though, is that he was losing so much blood I guess he lost his brain too because he didn’t realize I was already dead at that point or maybe he did and he is just an asshole.
So instead of keeping me alive, it brought me back to life and I woke without a maker because he didn’t make it. I had to learn a new life I never wanted and somehow, I was supposed to accept it and enjoyed it, at least that’s what Pam had told me.World
Looking back at all these events, I realize now that Bill not only robbed me of my humanity when he raped me but he managed to kill everything that made me who I was. I let revenge consume me and rage take over me because I had nothing left to stop neither. Sure I had my revenge but at what cost? A price that was greater than I could have ever imagined; the cost of Sookie Stackhouse.
